Ways to tell someone their fly is open - 20. The cucumber has left the salad. 19. I can see the gun of Navarone. 18. Someone tore down the wall, and your Pink Floyd is hanging out. 17. You've got Windows on your laptop. 16. Sailor Ned's trying to take a little shore leave. 15. Your soldier ain't so unknown now. 14. Quasimodo needs to go back in the tower and tend to his bells. 13. You need to bring your tray table to the upright and locked position. 12. Paging Mr. Johnson... Paging Mr. Johnson... 11. Your pod bay door is open, Hal. 10. Elvis Junior has LEFT the building! 9. Mini Me is making a break for the escape pod. 8. Ensign Hanes is reporting a hull breach on the lower deck, Sir! 7. The Buick is not all the way in the garage. 6. Dr. Kimble has escaped! 5. You've got your fly set for "Monica" instead of "Hillary." 4. Our next guest is someone who needs no introduction... 3. You've got a security breach at Los Pantalones. 2. I'm talking about Shaft, can you dig it? 1. I thought you were crazy, now I can clearly see your nuts.
What you do best! - This suave-looking Redneck, (ok, just pretend there is one) walks into a bar and sees a cute little rich girl who's had too much to drink. He says to her, "Hey, baby...whataya say we go back to your place and get it on! Lost in her drink, she replies - "Sure, why not!" They get to her place, and she lies on the bed and says, "Ok, show me what you do best!". Without delay, the Redneck rips off his jacket, - grabs her T.V., VCR, and purse and runs out the door!
Blind Man - One day a blind man came into a restaruant. A waiter came to him and asked "Would you like a menu, sir?". The man said "No thanks but if you bring me a dirty fork I'll tell you what I want." So the waiter brings him a dirty fork and the blind man sniffs it. Then he said "bring me the meatloaf and mashed potatos". So the waiter brings him meatloaf and mashed potatos. The next day the same blind guy comes in. The waiter doesn't recognize him and asks if he would like a menu. The blind man says, "No but if you bring me a dirty fork I'll tell you what I want." So the waiter brings him a dirty fork. The man sniffs it and says "I'd like the lasagna with extra cheese please". So the waiter brings him the lasagna. The next day the blind man comes in and the waiter recognizes him. The waiter says "Let me guess you want a dirty fork, right?"and the blind man says "Yes I would.". The waiter gets a clean fork and rubs it on a waitresses privates. The waiter brings it to the blind man and he sniffs it. Then the blind man says, "Hey!! I didn't know Mary worked here!!"
Chickens - Two chickens were talking and one chicken said to a the other chicken "who is your favorite music composer?" The second chicken responds "bach, bach, bach!"
Some Warning Signs of Insanity - - You write to your mother in Germany every week, even though she sends you mail from Iowa asking why you never write. - You're always having to apologize to your next door neighbor for setting fire to his lawn decorations. - Nobody listens to you anymore, because they can't understand you through that scuba mask. - You begin to stop and consider all of the blades of grass you've stepped on as a child, and worry that their ancestors are going to one day seek revenge. - You have meaningful conversations with your toaster. - You collect dead windowsill flies. - Every time the phone rings, you shout, "Hey! An angel just got its wings!" - You like cats. Especially with mayo. - You cry at the end of every episode of Gilligan's Island, because they weren't rescued. - You put tennis balls in the microwave to see if they'll hatch. - Whenever you listen to the radio, the music sounds backwards. - You have a predominant fear of fabric softener. - You wake up each morning and find yourself sitting on your head in the middle of your front lawn. - Your dentist asks you why each individual tooth has your name etched on it, and you tell him it's for security reasons. - Melba toast sexually excites you. - When the waiter asks for your order, you ask to go into another room to tell him, because "the napkins have ears." - You tend to agree with everything your mother's dead uncle tells you. - You call up random people and ask if you can borrow their dog, just for a few minutes. - Your main goal in life is to become the president of Bulemia. - Nearly everything you say involves the word, "P-toing!" - You argue with yourself about which is better, to be eaten by a koala or to be loved by an infectious disease. - You like to sit in cornfields for prolonged periods of time, and pretend that you're a stalk. - You think that exploding wouldn't be so bad, once you got used to it. - People offer you help, but you unfortunately interpret this as a violation of your rights as a boysenberry.
Monica Counters Clinton - AP - Monica Lewinsky, in a statement released today, countered President Clinton's firm denial: "I have had enough. This whole experience has left a bitter taste in my mouth, and I can't stomach any more. I feel as if I am getting the shaft, that this ugly matter has come to a head and blown up in my face." "This may be a load to handle, but when things are hard, that is when I am at my best. I have faced hard things in the past, and I know what is coming. I will meet this challenge the only way that I know how: head on." "I have licked bigger things than this before, and I will again. No one will ever be able to say that Monica Lewinsky isn't a finisher, that she quit before the job was done. I will work non-stop and fight this, blow by blow, until I am wiped clean of this dirty affair. I will not be stained by it." "Thank you." Monica Lewinsky
Paid By Medicaid - A Soviet emigre boy and girl come to a doctor's office and say: "Doctor, we would like to know if we are screwing properly. Will you watch us, please?" The doctor, somewhat puzzled, agrees, they climb on his table, the boy gets on top of the girl, and they have sex. After observing them, the doctor says, "Yes, you're having sex properly. That will be forty dollars." They come back the next day with the same request, but this time the boy enters the girl from the rear. They keep coming for four days in a row, using different positions every day. On the fifth visit the doctor says, "Why do you keep on coming back? I told you you're having sex properly." The boy explains, "The hotel room costs the same forty dollars, but this way we get reimbursed by Medicaid."
Two Dogs.... - The young Indian boy had spent most of his life in a quandry... He felt different yet... couldn't figure why... he was just so depressed. He went to the Chief for answers... He asked the chief how his brother Red Deer Running had gotten his name... The chief answered in his typically poetic way..."When Red Deer Running was born, at the moment of his birth, the first thing his mother saw was a beautiful deer running off into the forest... and so Running Deer was named. It is the custom of our tribe to name the offspring according to the spirits in nature visiting upon the birth." Then, the boy said to the Chief... And how did my sister "Thundering Bird" get her name? The chief described again, how at the moment of her birth Thundering Bird's mother had heard a roar of thunder and looking up, saw a bird flying in the sky... The boy asked again, how his cousin "White Crouching Bear" had been given such a name... And the chief, looking down once more at the boy, explaining the traditions of their tribe.... White Bear's mother had seen a rare white bear crouched over a stream at the moment her baby's birth. Then he asked the boy... "Why do you ask, Two Dogs Fucking?"
A few way to handle stress! - Stressed out...try some of these relaxing tidbits :) 1. Jam tiny marshmallows up your nose and try to sneeze them out. (This one is great to teach neices and nephews!) 2. Use your Mastercard to pay your Visa bill. (Even better to call after doing it and say you didn't authorize it and want to know what the hell is going on!) 3. Pop some popcorn without putting the lid on. (This one keeps cats and men occupied for awhile.) 4. When someone says "Have a nice day" tell them you have other plans. (Like going the store to stock up on ammunition maybe?) 5. Get a box of condoms. Wait in line at the check-out counter and ask the cashier where the fitting rooms are. (And if she's cute, always ask if assistance is available.) 6. Dance naked in front of your pets. (Not recommended for anyone with a pet Gorilla.) 7. Put your toddler's clothes on backwards, and send him/her off to school as if nothing is wrong. (You can get real creative here...especially if you put a dress on your son.) 8. Read the dictionary backwards and look for subliminal messages. (Trust me...they're in there! I found 70 in just the A's!)
I dont want a ride! - A man pulled up next to a little girl walking home from school and said "If you get in, I'll give you a lollypop." The girl kept walking. Following along slowly, the man said "Come on and get in the car with me and I'll give you two lolly pops." She kept her eyes on the sidewalk and continued on her way. The man said "Get in with me and I'll give you this whole bag of lollypops!" Finally, the girl turned and said "Look daddy, YOU bought the Ford, YOU ride in it!!!"
You know you're gay when... - You know you're gay when: 1. You wear the appropriate underwear for each of your dates. 2. You understand the subtle differences between at least 20 brands of vodka. 3. You understand the immense importance of good (or bad) lighting. 4. You can be in a crowded bar and still spot a toupee from 50 yards away. 5. You can tell a woman you love her bathing suit and mean her bathing suit. 6. You can tell a woman she has lipstick on her teeth without embarrassing her. 7. No one expects you to kiss and not tell. 8. You can have naked pictures of men you know in your home. 9. You can have naked pictures of men you don't know in your home. 10. You can have naked pictures of men you don't know in your home and on your computer. 11. Unlike your women friends, you can hang out in men's locker room. 12. You understand why the good Lord created spandex. 13. You understand why the good Lord did not intend everyone to wear spandex. 14. You know the difference between a latte, cappuccino, cafe au lait and a macchiato. And if you don't, you know how to fake it. 15. You know how to get back at just about everyone. 16. Your pets always have great names. 17. Nobody expects you to change a tire. 18. You're the only guy who gets to do the "Cosmo" quizzes. 19. You know how to get a waiter's attention. 20. You only wear polyester when you mean to. 21. At any given instant, you can recite who was gay since the dawn of history. 22. You are, hands down, your nephew's and nieces' favorite uncle. 23. You get to choose your family. 24. You can tell your sexual compatibility with a potential partner by the way he holds his drink. 25. You can smile to let someone know you can't stand them. 26. You wouldn't be caught dead in Hooters. 27. You can freeze an approaching bar troll twenty feet away. 28. You're good pals with women other people can't stand. 29. You've always got an opinion, and don't mind sharing it. 30. You've read the book, seen the movie, done the musical. 31. You know how to "air kiss". 32. You know exactly which cosmetic surgery to consider having... and the perfect excuse to give people who ask where you've been for two weeks. 33. You know how to dress strategically. 34. You know when to move out and move on. 35. You are the only one at the class reunion who looks better than you did in high school. 36. You've got at least one framed picture of a pet. 37. You know that being called a "cheap slut" isn't necessarily an insult. 38. You wouldn't buy someone a mug for their birthday. 39. You know which wine to bring. 40. Sales clerks don't mess with you. 41. You have a medicine chest stocked for any occasion. 42. You never hold a grudge for longer than a decade. 43. You've just about defeated the accent you were born with. 44. You know the way to a man's heart is not necessarily through his stomach. 45. You choose the most fabulous greeting cards. 46. You know every film ever made with male frontal nudity 47. You've got sunscreen at every conceivable SPF level. 48. You have the latest International Male catalog. 49. You wouldn't dream of dressing out of the latest International Male catalog. 50. You can be bitchy without anyone blaming it on biology.
Movie Ratings Explained - G: Nobody gets the girl. PG: The Good Guy Gets The Girl. R: The Bad Guy Gets The Girl. X: Everybody Gets The Girl. XXX: Everybody gets the girl, her mother, and their cocker spaniel.
Keep fit... die healthy - What does a short sighted gynecologist and a dog have in common? They both have wet noses!
Snowmen - What do snowmen have that snowwomen don't? Snowballs!
Men's rules for Women! - by Every guy in America: 1. It is only common courtesy that you should leave the seat on the toilet UP when you are done. 2. If you are cooking a special dinner for a man, be sure to include something from each of the four major male food groups:*** Meat, Fried, Beer, and Red.*** 3. Don't make him hold your purse in the mall. 4. Despite the overwhelming evidence to the contrary in many of the fine bars and fraternities throughout the country, not all men are cretins deserving your contempt. 5. Shopping is not fascinating. 6. When he asks for a threesome with you and your best friend, he is only joking. 7. Unless the answer is yes. 8. In which case, can he videotape it? 9. If you REALLY want a nice guy, stop dating good-looking assholes. 10. The man is ALWAYS in charge of poking the campfire with a stick and/or tending the grill. 11. Trying to provoke a large, dangerous-looking felon from across the room is not funny. 12. Money does not equate love. Not even in Nevada. 13. Any attempt by a man to prepare food, no matter how feeble .. (ie Microwaving a burrito, fixing Spaghetti, etc) should be met with roughly the same degree of praise a parent might shower upon their infant when it walks for the first time. 14. Those male models with perfect bodies are all gay. Accept it. 15. He heard you the first time. 16. You know, YOU can ask HIM out too... Let's spread the rejection around a little. 17. If you truly want honesty, don't ask questions you don't really want the answer to. 18. Of COURSE he wants another beer. 19. The guy doesn't ALWAYS have to sleep on the wet spot. 20. Dogs good. Cats bad. 21. Any sort of injury involving the testicles is not funny. 22. If he has to sit through "Legends of the Fall", you have to sit through "Showgirls". 23. "Fine." is not an acceptible way to end an argument. 24. Do not question a man's innate navigational abilities by suggesting he stop for directions. 25. He was not looking at that other girl. 26. Well, okay... maybe a little. 27. Okay, so what! He was looking at her. Big deal. Like you never looked at another guy... 28. There is nothing inherently wrong with the word "motorcycle". 29. He is the funniest, strongest, best-looking, most successful man you have ever met. 30. And all your friends think so too. Especially the cute ones. 31. Your (select appropriate item:) butt/boobs/hair/makeup/legs look fine. As a matter of fact, it/they look damn good. Stop asking. 32. If you want a satisfying sex life, you will NEVER fake an orgasm. 33. It is not necessary to discuss the heaviness of your menstrual flow with him. 34. Remember: that Nair bottle looks an awful lot like shampoo if left in the shower. 35. Two words: blow job. Learn it. Live it. Love it. 36. Dirty laundry comes in several categories: Looks fine/smells fine, Looks fine/smells bad, Looks dirty/smells fine. Unless you intend to wash it, do not try to disrupt piles organized in this manner. 37. Yes, Sharon Stone/Pamela Anderson/Cindy Crawford is prettier than you. Just like Brad Pitt/Antonio Banderas/Keanu Reeves is better looking than him. But since neither one of you is going to be dating any of these people, love the one you're with. 38. Of course size matters, and boy does he have the grandaddy of them all. 39. His (fill in appropriate selections:) bald spot/beer gut/impossibly thick glasses/impotency/scabby rash, is cute. 40. Don't hog the covers. 41. Watching football is a major turn-on for you. But please wait until the halftime show to act upon that... 42. He does not just want to be friends. 43. A successful date always starts with the woman uttering the sentence: